Best Friend

History repeats itself just as it did several years ago. When I met you, I couldn’t recall a time before then when I questioned anything as much as I did when you entered my life. Now here I sit wondering if I am the reason you’re gone or if you never seemed to care about me in the first place. You were my best friend, the person I turned to first before anyone else four years ago when I was experiencing emotions I never had before. Now you are a stranger who infiltrates my thoughts like a ghost. The amount of apologizes I have wasted on someone who never gave me same kind of sincerity that I gave you when it was needed. How can you call yourself my friend when you leave me hanging by a strand of thread every time, I need you, anytime I need you.

You cannot.

I lost you once four years ago because I couldn’t handle the emotions, the sleepless nights, the tossing and turning of not knowing if you saw me as anything more than a therapist. Four years later I find myself doing the same thing, only this time I am not afraid to say what I need say to you. I loved you, I cared for you, I was always there when you needed me but worst of all is that I forgave you every time you ruined me. Each time I allowed you to belittle my needs as your friend, I made excuses for you telling myself you were busy or that you just didn’t know how to show that you cared. Who was I fooling though because it was visceral, you knew how to care because you care for other’s who do not do the same for you, but I always did.

Guilt eats away at me now knowing I ruined our friendship yet again because I opened my mouth about how I felt. But what friendship is that to have someone walk along eggshells because they are too afraid to undo the relationship. I refuse to let people put me in that position any longer which is why I am grateful for my outwardness to you and how I am able to stand up for myself after all these years. Someday I hope you find happiness, love, and yourself but for now I will bid you goodbye while I finish reminiscing on the times when I was naive enough to believe you were my best friend forever.