Facing My Most Vulnerable Fears Without Shame

Like everyone else in this world, I have things I am scared of - I hate bees, I'm terrified of needles, and being in a dark room with open doors gives me horrible anxiety.

However, there are some fears that I don't talk about often. Bees and needles are scary, but I don't fear them in the way I fear other things. 

My more vulnerable fears lie deeper and I feel they do much more damage than any stinger can. 

They relate to the parts of myself that I am not confident in and for being the "bright" person I seem to present as they can feel shameful to admit. 

I truly fear the things I can't see and the things I can't change about myself. They are the things someone might learn about me and their perspective of me change. 

I am no expert at facing my fears (ask my dentist lol) but I have realized the only way to overcome them truly is to own them. I don't want to live my life being scared of myself. I try my hardest to be the best version of myself that I can be, and if people don't like the more imperfect parts of me, that's on them. 

I will no longer live being fearful of my vulnerabilities.

-

Abandonment 

I am not afraid to be alone.

If you know me in person, you know I’m extroverted and outgoing. I love talking to people and being surrounded by people.

Even so, there are times when I want to be alone and although I find peace in being surrounded by other people, to me, there is a different sort of peace in being alone.

Being with people is my time to absorb the things I can learn from others while being alone is where I learn more about myself.

Alone time is like my debrief for the day and the time when I collect my thoughts. It is when I observe myself and think of ways I can become a better person. I also have a journal I write in almost every day to see my thoughts on paper. Writing is how I better understand myself and other people and I highly recommend others to do so.

I do think one of my greatest fears is abandonment but I don’t think it is in a toxic way that many people might think of at first. I am fully aware this fear has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with my perception of them and myself. I am also aware that people’s lives are meant to move forward, and they will, regardless of whether you want them to or not.

Thankfully, this fear doesn't affect my relationships with the people around me. Somehow, i think it seems to strengthen my relationship with them.

In my head, I am always thinking our time together is limited, so it is important to make the most of it while they are still here with me. 

Abandonment may honestly be a harsh way to describe it because I do believe that people who care about you will never actually “abandon” you, even if they do leave. It is more so in a way of them leaving to fulfill something greater or them following a path that may not align with yours. I don’t think they do it with ill intent and I doubt they will ever forget you.

My life lacks consistency, so maybe it is because I find it in the people that are close to me. I am not dependent on them, but it is more like a comfort that they are there if I need them. Even if it isn’t abandonment, it can feel like it, especially when you have become emotionally invested in the depth of your relationship with them.

It doesn't feel great to have to reestablish the depth you had with someone else with someone new. Whether this is a family member, friend, romantic partner, etc., it takes a lot to do and can be exhausting sometimes.  

I love making new friends and having close relationships, but it does take an emotional toll to open up to new people, at least when it comes to sharing the most vulnerable parts of myself.

 I have a complicated life and the knowledge of that can make it easy to realize how fragile my emotions associated with some events can be. Trust is also a big thing. When people leave your life, it can feel like the trust you established is going with them.

Sometimes abandonment is real, and people do it to hurt you, but I also think almost everyone has known that feeling at one time or another and I'd hope they would never do so purposefully. Other times its simply people leaving out of necessity or to pursue the greater things they desire in life.

Either way, people no longer being around when they once were is scary, but in the long run, it is part of life. I am a firm believer in the phrase “Everything happens for a reason.” The people meant to be in your life will appear and the ones who are meant to stay will stay. If nothing else, they are a lesson you are meant to grow from or a line in the chapter of the story. 

I try my best to think positively when developing a new relationship and I know if someone truly cares about you they will let you know. i also know even if someone does care about you they may not be able to stick around forever, even if you both wish they could. 

Leaving doesn't always mean abandonment. 

-

Belonging 

To be honest, this is the one that can be the most misunderstood and is probably my most personal fear and hardest to explain.

The word "belong" is not meant in an ownership kind of way. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. 

This is where the issue of consistency is also relevant. Growing up I moved around a lot and was always living with different people. For anyone - especially a little kid - it can be super confusing and impactful. I have more consistency in my life now as an adult, but it is still something that lingers in the back of my head every now and then. 

Usually, when people grow up without consistency of any kind in their lives, it can turn into a not-so-helpful trait when they are older. Commitment can be an issue for them, but somehow for me, I think it has pushed me in the opposite direction. 

I am very willing to commit my time and effort into things, especially building relationships with people. I know what it's like to have no commitment of any type in my life and I don't want people to feel like I am not putting forth any effort in my relationships with them. 

However, sometimes I do forget that not everyone is that way and it can be a hurtful realization, while I also find it important to take an empathetic and understanding approach to things when new people come into my life. Not everyone is willing to be as open as I am. 

One of the main goals in my life is to have my own home. I have never really had a place to physically belong. I see people who have grown up with warm homes and a lot of childhood memories and I do wish I had that - but I didn't. 

I think at this point in my life I am way past waiting for other people to provide a place for me and I must now create that for myself. 

It is something I struggle with, especially because I have no idea where I will be in five years, but it does give me something to work towards. 

Whether it be a small or large place by myself, with friends, family, or a partner - it doesn't matter. When I have finally accomplished my long-term goal of creating my place to belong, I will have finally completed a chapter of my life I have been so eager to reach. 

The idea of "belonging" to someone is not meant on the basis of desperation. 

Although I have a family, it is complicated and my immediate members don't really fall under the ideal definition of what a family should be. Friends are bound to fluctuate throughout our lives and having a partner should be genuine and not out of loneliness or accessibility. 

More so, I think in belonging the lack of companionship and being understood is really what I fear the most. I do have people close to me now, but they may not always be around forever. I fear that I will never have anyone who is willing to commit to the long run in all the ways you do when you truly care for someone.

Maybe it is because I am so willing to offer my commitment to others and I do so loudly.

Maybe it is also that others usually are not so willing to do that for me. 

Regardless, "belonging" to someone sounds super outdated and I should probably find a new way to express what I'm feeling. (LOL)

I do know that there are people who love and care for me. I may not tell them my deepest darkest secrets or my heavy and vulnerable emotions, but they are there if a time ever comes that I do need them. 

I would never ask someone to be responsible for me in that way and I would never ask someone to do so out of fear. 

-

I know all of my fears are simply just that. Most of the time I probably blow them out of proportion inside of my head, but don't we all? 

The first step I am taking to face these fears is admitting I have them. People may think poorly of me or they may see that we are all more alike than we ever could have imagined. I am grateful to be able to have the strength to openly talk about the parts of myself I am not proud of. I think being honest with yourself is important and an even bigger step towards finding your own self-worth. 

​In the same way as knowing you have no choice when you go to the dentist and have to get a shot - you have to go through the things you fear the most to say you conquered them - and that they may not hurt as much as you thought they would.