No Longer A Child - But am I Really Done Growing Up?

As my teenage years are ending, I have been thinking about the next stage. I will be twenty in only a few months. I feel like it is such a complicated time in my life because I have a desire to be on my own and completely independent, but I also still wish to be a child again

I always felt mature, especially because I was independent from a young age. My parents were absent for a big chunk of my life, so I played a big role in raising myself and my little brother. I would clean and do laundry. My mom would even drop me off in front of the grocery store with a list and wait for me in the parking lot. I never really questioned why she didn’t go inside with me. I thought it was her trying to give me some independence but looking back now, no eleven-year-old should be doing all those things alone. I look so happy in the all the pictures but it's hard to know what really went on when the camera wasn't capturing the good moments. Gaining said maturity so quickly wasn’t my choice but it was necessary almost as a survival tactic. In a way I am thankful because without the rough times in my past that made me grow up faster than I should have, I really don’t think I would be where I am now.

But now that I am on my own, I find doing some things hard. I truly do enjoy my own independence but part of me wishes that it was a fresh feeling and not something that I have been used too for so many years and am just now allowed to embrace. I have had many moments where I have tried to distinguish adolescence from adulthood and often, I feel as if those moments are not supposed to merge together when they do. 

The first time I went to the grocery store by myself after entering college, it did not feel the same as all the previous times. I was no longer shopping for a whole family of people or running to the store to pick up a requested item. I was now shopping only for myself. I was free to buy the things I wanted even if I was hesitant. I found myself naturally going to the isles that had the junk food like sweets and candy, the options an adult living on their own should not feel drawn towards, items that children would ask their mother to buy them in passing on the way to get healthier items.

I think I have been used to being alone and taking care of myself for a while now, but the idea of “adulthood” is still new to me. People older than me love to give advice about what to do and what not to do, and that often has me thinking of all the wrong choices I could possibly make. I feel as though I have come too far in my life to do something wrong just because I think I know better. It’s hard to always make the right decisions. I want to be successful, and I want to do it right, but at times I do not think I know how.

I’ve read a lot of articles online about growing up and the idea of being an adult, but they all seem to cover the surface level issues. Things like taxes, finding a job and buying a house are the most stereotypical things to think about. When I am searching for answers, I am looking for the things that someone needs the most:

“How do I make the less hurtful decision?”

“When is the right time to reach out for help?”

“What does failure look like and how do I avoid it?”

“How can I be a better person?”

Those articles never cover the important things I want to know.

I only recently came to terms with the fact that sometimes there is no answer. There is no layout on how to live our lives and what choices to make. Of course, we can always get inspiration from those before us, but what’s best for them may not be what is best for us. I so desperately want to always do what’s right, but if not me, someone will always be dissatisfied. 

I tell myself that I need to make mature decisions all the time: I can’t be selfish, I need to always be the bigger person, I need to be the best, the smartest, the most successful and kind, the most outgoing. I need to be the most mature, the most adult. But even the people years ahead of me make childish decisions. They made so many mistakes and continue to make them. Our lives are filled with mistakes, and mistakes do not mean something bad all of the time. We make mistakes to learn, that is part of growing up.

Although I don’t think I will ever have a solution to all of my questions, I know that I am not alone. Everyone is always confused, and everyone is always making mistakes. Being mature is good, but it is unrealistic to think that we can always make the right choices. It is okay to have fun, it is okay to learn, and it is okay to do childish things sometimes. I feel the best when I am laughing, and I laugh the most when I am doing the things I enjoyed as a child.

I may no longer actually be a child but the child I once was does not go away because I grow older. She is always within my heart, and it is okay to let her free after a day of being grown and old.