Types of Loss and How We Might Grieve Them

Something I have experienced quite often and have been thinking a lot about lately is loss and grief. Loss is something we’ve all experienced in some way or form, and we all may have different reactions to it. 

You have probably heard of the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. I am a believer in these stages, but I also don’t think that they are all something we experience every time we lose something or are grieving.

For me, I commonly skip the bargaining and anger stages. I have never been an angry person and even at the times I am, it is very rare for me to feel angry at anyone but myself. I am not one to question conditions and I hate to make other people feel burdened, so bargaining isn’t something I like to do at any time either. I think I am one to accept what has happened, even if I feel sad about it. I know that often things do not happen the way we want them to but there is nothing wrong with feeling sad about it. Denial is a tricky one for me because I don’t deny the actions that have happened but more so that I couldn’t have done anything to prevent them. I can admit that I am a perfectionist and am harder on myself than anyone else. I often deny myself the comfort of being blameless and that is where the denial stage may come in.

Another big part of how we react to things is what happens. I think that loss can be categorized into three areas: Death, Separation, and Love. I have felt loss in all of these areas and as different as might sound, they are all similar in some ways.

1. Death

The thing about death is we know it’s going to happen eventually. It’s the most common and acquainted feeling of loss. Everyone deals with it differently, but I think the most significant thing about it is that it’s public. People become aware and often feel for those affected by it. Premature death of course may have a different reaction than expected death, and there are always so many layers and instances that can cover so many areas but they are all equal in the end - someone has died. 

I think death is just the result of something that was bound to end. It is hurtful and sad for those of us who are still living, but it’s the one thing, if everything else, that we cannot control. It is unpreventable and even if we are to be saved or granted more time, it will retract eventually. Even so, after their passing, we can evaluate and look back on the life they have lived and see parts of them still with us.

Another part of grief is the feeling of missing something that once existed. I think that is where people find the death of someone close to them so hard. We were used to that person being in our lives and now everything feels wrong without them. In a way, we don’t even have the closure that they are still somewhere else in the world, they are simply just gone.

It can be painful to realize that someone who was once filled with so much life, thoughts, and memories is now no longer with us, but I think it can be beautiful if we think about the impact they had on us. Often the people we lose will be remembered in some way or form. In the end, they are not truly lost if there are still people who carry on their memory. Although that life no longer exists, we still have the idea of them to always keep with us – that is what I believe makes it so bearable.

2. Separation 

This area of loss is different than the others because it does not always have to be a person we are grieving. The grievance of someone or something leaving or being separated from us is also usually subtle. We cannot pause our lives; we must continue our day as usual while also becoming used to the difference that has been made.

Often, I find that there is a difference between grieving people we have been separated from and grieving people who have left. In the separation of people, it is usually that they have made such a large impact on our lives that we find it hard for them to no longer be a consistent part of it. We want them to be in our lives, but they aren’t for whatever willing circumstance. Noticeably, people often cope with this by still incorporating parts of them into their lives. Food, music, photos, etc. – all of these are reminders of the people we have been separated from. We may also grieve places or items that we are no longer around. The way it may be easiest to cope with these separations is the knowledge that it is only temporary. We grieve the present but look forward to the future when we will one day be reunited with what we love.

For those who leave us against our will, we grieve the loss of the light we thought they brought to our lives. Often those who leave us, leave for a reason – that is my way of thinking. The grieving part is more so coming to terms with the fact that they did not have to leave, even if their absence is more beneficial to our well-being. Even if we choose to leave those people for our own benefit, the hurt comes from the now lack of familiarity in our lives. People often do not take well to change, and so a change of atmosphere, or a change of person, can feel catastrophic. The thing about someone choosing to leave your life though, is that they do not want to be there, and it is better to grieve their loss than to grieve their presence.

3. Love 

In a way, all loss feels like we are losing love, but what we truly grieve is the love that never existed and the time we put into it. I find that love never truly goes away once it is put out into the world. Even if people leave you or you are no longer surrounded by the people you love, that love still exists somewhere, somehow.

When you love someone, it is effortless and without reason. You might find yourself doing things out of the norm for their health and happiness. It is also uncontrollable. It is not something with a distinct definition or sign; soon enough, we find it all-consuming

The loss of love, whether it leaves us prematurely or it might be unreciprocated, I think can be the hardest loss to understand. With death and even with separation, the reason may be more obvious and have meaning. With love, it is so hard to grasp the reason why someone is not willing to give back what is being given to them. Of course, it is so much more complex than that, but that is why we grieve it. We grieve the potential that we saw, and we grieve the feelings we have for those people even if they are still right in front of us. 

In a way, we also may be grieving ourselves. You are willing to open yourself up to the vulnerabilities of change and conflict as well as understand a person. That is what love is after all. When someone is not willing to do that for us, we grieve the love we didn't receive. We grieve the love we thought we could create with that person.

I love all people on the surface, but I make sure to choose wisely the people I love with depth. Love can be fragile, and it can be hard for someone to totally understand that. Though the people I love with depth, whether that be friendships, platonic relationships, or romantically, I sometimes feel guilty for giving it to them so effortlessly. I want to help them and I want to watch them succeed at everything they do. I want to give them my love and I want to do so closely. But the reality of the fact that all those feelings may only go one way or not be felt as intensely can be hard to comprehend – Not every person you care for sees you in their future and not everyone you love will love you back the same way.

My way of coping is watching them thrive. Close or from afar, the love I have for a person does not change with the circumstances. It can feel like torture sometimes to wish the best for someone when you so desperately want to be a part of their life that way. However, if you truly love someone, you will let them know and wish them happiness whether they decide to let you be a part of their life or not.

Overall, every time we lose something we feel. The ability to feel is what makes us human. If the feeling of grief and sadness is what makes us understand our neighbor more deeply, then it is never emotion wasted. Our ability to connect makes the loss so devastating to us after all. Whether you have lost a person, a place, or love, the fact that you realize it is missing means that it mattered to you.